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Supporting Your Child Through School Avoidance

When your child is struggling to go to school, it’s not just their wellbeing that’s affected, it can take a real toll on your own mental health too. That’s why I’ve created this guide to offer reassurance and some gentle support as you navigate the challenges of EBSA.

What is EBSA?


EBSA stands for Emotionally Based School Avoidance. It’s when a child or teen finds it difficult to go to school due to underlying anxiety, overwhelm, or emotional distress. This is not about “being difficult”, it's about a nervous system under stress.


Step-by-Step Strategies You Can Use at Home


1. Connection First, Not Correction

Before any school-related talk, focus on rebuilding emotional safety and trust. Children in EBSA often feel misunderstood or judged. Connection helps lower their internal alarm system.

  • Spend time together doing non-school things they enjoy (drawing, games, walks).

  • Avoid pushing too hard too soon. Emotional safety comes first.

2. Understand the 'Why' Behind the Refusal

Even if your child can’t explain it clearly, something feels unsafe. Try asking:

  • “What’s the hardest part about going to school?”

  • “If school was a bit easier, what would feel different?”

  • “What part of school do you like or miss?”

And use tools like:

  • A Worry Thermometer (rate school worry from 1–10)

  • Emotion cards to help them name how they feel

  • The Coke Bottle Analogy (pressure builds up → explodes)


3. Validate Their Experience

Show them you believe them, even if you don’t fully understand it. Say things like:

  • “That sounds really hard. I’m here to help you through it.”

  • “You don’t have to face this all at once.”

And avoid:

  • “But everyone has to go to school.”

  • “Just try harder tomorrow.”

4. Establish Calming Strategies

Introduce one calming strategy each week. These help your child learn to regulate their feelings before they become overwhelming. Things like:

  • Deep breathing with a visual aid

  • Creating a calm corner at home

  • Drawing their worries

  • Using sensory items (fidgets, putty, weighted blankets)

  • Physical grounding: “Name 5 things you can see…”

5. Use “Three Good Things”

Each day, help your child list 3 small positives, even if they didn’t go to school. For instance:

  • “I had a good breakfast.”

  • “We walked the dog.”

  • “I played a game I liked.”

This builds hope and shifts focus from only school-based struggles.

6. Build Structure Without Pressure

If your child is at home, create a simple, predictable daily rhythm. Structure = safety. Try things like:

  • Wake-up and wind-down routines

  • Scheduled “calm time,” “focus time,” and “play time”

  • A visual timetable

Let them help choose activities so they feel a sense of control.

7. Gradual Reintroduction (When Ready)

Don’t expect full school days straight away. Instead, you might start with:

  • A school drive-by or walk past the building

  • Going in for 10 minutes to say hello

  • Attending a favourite lesson or lunch only

  • Meeting with a trusted adult at school

Build slowly based on what they can tolerate without high anxiety.


Helpful Ideas to Explore Together


The Emotions Iceberg What your child shows (anger, tears, shutdown) may be the tip of the iceberg. Underneath are feelings like:

  • Fear of failure

  • Sensory overload

  • Social anxiety

  • Feeling misunderstood

Brain Education Help your child understand anxiety using simple language:

“Your brain has a little alarm (the amygdala) that’s trying to keep you safe. Sometimes it goes off too soon, even when you’re okay.”

Understanding the brain helps them feel less “broken.”


When They Meltdown at Home (Restraint Collapse)

This is common in children who mask all day at school (or the pressure of thinking about school). At home, they finally release it. What helps:

  • Don’t ask questions right away (“How was school?”)

  • Offer food/water

  • Be present without demanding

  • Create a sensory or quiet decompression zone

  • Give space before addressing behaviour


Extra Activities You Can Use


These build emotional understanding, self-esteem, and coping skills:

  • "My Bag of Worries" – Draw or write worries and talk about them

  • "My Strengths" Cards – Focus on what they’re good at

  • "How Big Is My Worry?" – Rate problems and discuss what’s in/out of their control

  • "Emotion of the Day" – Explore and name a new feeling daily


Final Thoughts


  • This is a marathon, not a sprint.

  • Anxiety often speaks in the language of avoidance, not disobedience.

  • Your support, belief, and presence are the most powerful tools you have.

You’re not alone in this and neither is your child. Things can and do get better with the right understanding, pace, and support.






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